Reason #6 Waking up in time to change!

I went to the gym today, I realise that for many people they are probably perfectly normal words to say, but for everyone who knows me, they are quite shocking! I am in my late forties and for at least 28 years I have been overweight, and most of those years I have been obese. I took my health for granted and while I heard the various news stories linking an unhealthy lifestyle with rising cancer rates, I did not think for a second that this would impact on me - how naïve!


So when I had me first brush with cancer just over a year ago, I was an overstressed teacher who loved chocolate and never exercised. I decided straight a way to change things around. We bought a smoothie maker, I started walking, but I felt a heavy sense of shutting the stable door after the horse had bolted!


At first I felt a strong sense of guilt, the only risk factor I had for all three primary cancers was obesity. I felt ashamed that I hadn't taken care of myself, and I hated my body when I looked in the mirror. I was devastated with the thought that I had bought it on myself.


That isn't a place where you can stay though and the only response for me was to change things. I may have been an idiot but there was a hope that I could still change things for the future .. .and so I have! I have lost 3 stone ... with another 3 to go. I walk everywhere and I go to the gym. I have to be the reddest and sweatiest there but I still plod on. I feel so much better. I can go up the stairs without losing my breath, I can touch my toes as well as see them! My skin is clearer and my strength is improving. Who knows what internal impact it is having but I am just so grateful that I have woken up from my inertia.


Cancer can feel like it controls so much ... but there is so much we can snatch back, and it make me feel so good to do so. I can even thank God for the cancer, as I would rather be the me now than the me before.

Reason #5 - choices

Today has been a tough day ... just one of those days where the remnants of cancer treatment still makes itself felt. Hormones all over the place, achy joints, never ending bowel problems (who ever talks about that as one of the most demoralising daily struggles!)


However I am still grateful ... I am grateful today for choices. I get to make choices all the time - what food to buy, to eat, what to watch on TV, what to drink. I know that I am so privileged in a world in turmoil. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to go through and survive cancer treatment in a country at war, or where there is no options for treatment, or pain relief. God has given me so much and most of all, I am safe.


So even on these tougher days, I still have choice and today I will 'chose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord'.

Reason #4 My Boy!

No problems today with writing about my grateful heart! 23 years ago God gave us a gift - a son, when we thought we may never have children. Today we helped him move out of his university flat ready for the next step of his life's journey to begin as he finished his law degree yesterday. His new stage will include marrying his gorgeous fiancée next year and entering the world of work.


This boy of mine has become a man! Last year I had to tell him the news I had cancer, twice! And each time he just rose to the occasion, looking for ways to support me, suddenly becoming very protective if I was walking through crowds during chemo, checking I was alright 20 times a day, skyping me on my worst chemo days to cheer me up. I love this amazing young man and I am so proud of him. Having cancer as a parent adds a whole new layer. As a mother my role has always been to protect and defend my children ... and suddenly I had to tell them something that devastated their world and could do nothing to fix it. There was no promises that had always come so easily 'I promise it will be okay' and no point telling them not to worry. I had no strength to hide them from the hell that chemo put my body through. Yet it didn't break them, they were tougher than I realised.


This last year has been tough ... but the one thing I always knew, my children had hope. They believed and kept their trust in a loving, kind and good God, and whatever was going to happen, they knew and I knew, we had eternity to look forward to. Our faith gives us so much that we don't even know is there until it is tested, most of all HOPE!


As I look at my son who was my first child and is now a man, my heart sings! He is ready for his future and we are now in a time of transition, from his place in our home to building his own. Of course I am sad that this time we have had together is ending but I am so excited for his future. Cancer has robbed us of none of the joy we have as a family or the hope we have for the future. I will be forever grateful to God that he gave us the greatest gift we could have wished for.

Reason #3 Maggie's centres / support groups

Today I am grateful for support groups ...I am lucky enough to live near a Maggie's centre and would highly recommend them. They are usually attached to a Cancer Specialist Hospital and they are a mine of information. They also run relaxation classes and support groups, have counsellors and psychologists on hand, coffee, tea and often cake!


I never thought I would be the type who would appreciate support groups but they are great. You meet a complete mix of people, with different diagnoses and life experiences. I went today and we talked about dealing with the fear and anxiety of a reoccurrence. It was just good to realise that we all felt the same way! It is good to feel normal when so often you feel you have morphed into the alien in the room (although I completely appreciate much of that is my own paranoia!).

Reason #2 - Friends

I am so grateful for old friends who have walked with me on this journey but I am just as grateful for the new friends that I have made only because of cancer, many of them fellow cancer patients.


Cancer is an isolating journey for, however hard people around you try to understand, it is difficult for them to walk in your shoes. Often I found that I didn't have any words to describe the pain, discomfort, thoughts & feelings that I was going through. Sometimes I couldn't share anything as I felt I had to protect people who loved me from worrying. I also found that some people needed to think I was doing okay or they were quite uncomfortable ... so I learnt to be super upbeat and positive for most of the time. Until I discovered a Facebook support group for my cancer type, ovarian. It was wonderful! Suddenly I wasn't the one with cancer, I was one amongst many, it was such a relief. I could finally be honest about my worst fears without the worry of upsetting anyone and I found such kindness, patience and understanding.


Today I have spent the day with a new friend, met through Penny Brohn Cancer Centre (google it... its great!). We live over an hour away from each other and we would never have met without cancer yet today we talked about death and dying, hope and positive thinking, suffering, chemo, kids and bowel habits! My soul is soothed and we have encouraged and supported each other.


God made us to be community, for relationships. When you have cancer you sometimes have to move on from the people who struggle to relate to you anymore and find that friendship in different places. Take a look in the online communities, there is wealth of support and friendship out there for us. Find a support group through your hospital, use old friends who have said they will walk with you but what ever you do, don't try and walk alone. Churches offer great communities where you can find friendship and support if you don't know where to go.


I thank God today for friends, new and old. I could not do this without them!

Reason #1

Well, here goes, my first post and my first reason to bless God!


In spite of everything I am so grateful that I am still singing. So many bad days that I had last year and I can remember at times standing in the shower and just singing through the song that this blog is titled after and just crying out to God “Let me be singing when  the evening comes”. I was in pain and struggling emotionally but I did not want to lose hope, or lose my faith in the One who gave me that hope.


It was a decision I had to make daily to look to God, to sing His song, in spite of everything going on around me. I didn’t want to be the angry person saying “Why me?”, I wanted to say “why not me?”. It wasn’t always easy, and sometimes those words would come through gritted teeth but they always came, sometimes in barely a whisper. I did not want to reject the very thing that my hope rested on and I know that hanging on to God, still trusting that he is a good God who loves me has helped me immeasurably.


So here I am, still singing and determined to find 10,000 reasons before I stop this blog so bear with me!


Please read the ‘About me’ page if you would like to know why I have started this blog.